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[personal profile] blossomdreams

I know I should be used to this. That I've made up my mind on a lot of things regarding certain family relationships, but still sometimes it still hurts to know that I'm pretty much ignored and regarding as nothing because I was born a girl and not a boy. I can't stand to see the blatant favortism she shows my youngest brother and I can never get mad at him for it because he doesn't like it and he always goes out of his way to make sure I'm happy.

I know this feeling will pass and I'll back to ignoring her once again, but still she's my mom. I thought that maybe one day it would get better that she wouldn't just toss me aside but she does a lot. Even telling the boys she's going to get a car for them, but telling me to find a man to drive me around. She treats the youngest like gold while dumping on me and other brother right in front of us all the time. I mean this isn't new and I should be used to this and I honestly hate feeling this way.

I used to think I would be able to have kids, but now I'm not so sure. Honestly, I don't want my daughter to be told she's getting fat from her grandma or for my son to be told he's needs to man up (because if my son wants to cry or be into dolls he can be damnit) I don't want to see my kid's spirit beaten in the same way mine has. It seems to be a thing that she wants now and I don't know how to say anything without her snapping at me.

I mean I'm going to graduate college soon, I'm actually passing math and have passed my other math class with a B, I have readers for both my fanfics and original fics. I'm still friends with such amazing people that I met in high school that checks on me and reassure me that they have my back. Even people I haven't seen really since middle school gives me such nice messages and I know that people do love me. I know that if I ever went to that dark place again where I try to imagine how life would be without me in it, to just end it all so I don't have to feel this way, I know how many people would be devastated if I wasn't here.

So I know all this and yet I still get hurt that my mom won't give me the time of day.


I know this feeling will pass and it will get even better when I don't have to see her every day.

It's just...I wish she would just come out and tell me that I'm a disappointment because I'm not going to be a teacher, that I'm not pregnant at 26 so I don't have to drop out of school, that people like my writing enough to be interested in it and follow it. I wish she would just tell me that she doesn't like me so I can move on. I hate assuming things, but you can feel it when someone doesn't want you to be there.

I just hope that when or if I become a mother that my child will never have to feel this way.
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